I know we're 2 weeks into the new year already and most people have ceased greeting people with "Happy New Year!" but I haven't shared my annual list of Liam quotes yet. I'm moving a little slower in 2011; one of my new year's resolutions is to be lazier. Much like in 7th grade when I noticed that I was doing a lot more work than everyone else........and they were getting A's, too. "What am I doing?" said 7th grade Kristin. Total lightbulb moment. After that, I worked hard to not to work so hard. Maybe pay less attention to the teacher. Or turn in an assignment on time instead of early. But it was really hard - I could only do it for short periods of time before the mediocrity ate me alive. And here we are, 30 years later...........hmmmmm.
So you'll get a 2010 list well past the "let's take a look back at 2010 and see what a great year it was" bruhaha.
Like all things that spew forth from children, there is a distinct chance that this will only be funny for me. Every kid says cute things. Some are funny for everyone......some are not. But if you write them down, it gives you a window into the twisted mind of your child. Seeing Liam's words in black and white, in list form, makes me go "This kid is whacked, man." So, in that spirit, I give you:
Things That Sprang Forth from Liam in 2010
- Can a fish fart?
- Do you like body hair? Or not?
- Are we still at the fair?
- (throwing up in toilet) Can paper float on water?
- How many bandits are there in the whole world?
- What is the world record for the most pockets in a pair of shorts?
- Have you ever been kidnapped?
- What are those clowns that go like this (hand, hand, look right, look left) and pretend they're in a box?
- If monkeys eat bananas, do they go to the store and buy them?
- (watching himself in the mirror) When I open my mouth, does the top part go up or does the bottom part go down?
Did You Know?
- Did you know that a python can swallow a human head? It could swallow the whole body but it can't get past the shoulders.
- Did you know there are no bones in your penis?
- Did you know that you can't kill a fly by smacking it with your bare hand or stepping on it?
Liam: How do you lose a leg?
Kristin: Usually an accident. Like a car accident.
Liam: So how does it get lost?
Kristin: I lived with Martha.
Liam: Oh yeah......when you and Dad weren't married. You just visited him and had sleepovers.
Kristin: ?????? Ok.
Kristin: Wait a minute! Are we playing poker?
Liam: Yeah! Poker!
Kristin: You like that body?
Kristin: What do you like about it?
Liam: I don't know. I just do.
Liam: I know. I'm going to get fresh-squeezed milk every morning.
Liam: Because - I gave her a bath with my tongue.
Liam: It's ok. Life would never harm us.
- I had a dream that I graduated from making perfect m's. Then my teacher gave me a balloon. But I let it go. I don't want to talk about it.
- (while sleeping) I felt guilty when I got paper clipped to the watch tower.
- (after I make him rinse his dishes) It's hard being old-fashioned.
- (telling the babysitter about our move) I probably won't be back until something like junior high. You probably won't recognize me then. And I'll have a girlfriend. Because that's what you do in junior high.
- (disappointed) We're having hot dogs for dinner? I thought you said pop rocks.
- I wish I could speak Spanish. Then I could go to Japan.
- I wonder what it's like to get digested.
- Ouch! I wish our house wasn't so pointy.
- Why did the Transformer cross the butt?............To get to the penis!
- I love you, mom. And I'll never not.