**MOVING DAY IS DRAWING NEAR! I'll be re-posting some of the highlights of our New England experience until the world stops spinning and I get rid of this stress-induced rash! See you in Minnesota!!
I had heard of Candlepin Bowling. But I didn't know what it was. And I didn't much care. Why does this affect me? I assumed it had something to do with the PINS. Like maybe they looked like CANDLES. Right? Doesn't this make sense?
But it turns out that candlepin bowling refers to the these tiny bowling balls that fit in the palm of your hand. TINY BALLS THAT FIT IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND! This is the best invention ever! Why oh why do we heave those giant balls? Why do we try to throw things that are too heavy for us? And why is this fun? Once you play with tiny balls you will think to yourself "Big balls are dumb. Big balls are too much work. All these years, if I had known that tiny balls were available to me, I never would have wasted my precious recreational time playing with giant balls. Playing with tiny balls makes you so much more EFFECTIVE! Which makes playing with tiny balls so much more SATISFYING! Playing with tiny balls is fun!"
I have always been a gutterball queen. My all-time record low score is 16. Not because my aim is bad but because the ball is TOO DAMN HEAVY! After playing with tiny balls, I have to wonder about the person who invented the big ball version. Did the big ball version come first (excuse the pun) and then some really smart person came along and said "Why such big balls?" Or did the tiny ball version come first (pun) and someone with a really small penis came long and said "My balls are much bigger than that. You couldn't even lift my balls."
People in New England don't even know that big ball bowling exists. To them, candlepin bowling IS bowling. When I tell them about the big balls in the rest of the country, they're like "Why would you do that?" And, I must say, I wholeheartedly agree.
Liam went to a bowling party last week - a candlepin bowling party - and, for the first time, I did not shudder at the thought. He went to his first bowling party when he was 5 and I turned down the opportunity to stay and "have some fun!" I saw ten 5 year old boys standing there, holding their enormous balls, and I couldn't figure out how they were NOT going to drop them on someone's toe. I took my toes and got out of there. Toot suite! Liam, who can't keep his hands off his balls, was magnetically compelled to cup his hand around the giant ball in the ball return...........you know, the one that the returned ball smashes into? Know matter how many times I saved his life, he couldn't keep his hands off those balls. So when I see the ten 5 year old boys holding their enormous balls, I assume that they also like to fondle the balls in the ball return. That's a minimum of 50 broken fingers.
I used to go bowling for the kitschy atmosphere and the chance to choose a funny bowling name like Ina or Fritzie or Lola. And the strobe lights and the disco music. And the beer in pin-shaped bottles. Pretty much everything EXCEPT THE ACTUAL BOWLING! Big balls are just too much for me.
But now I love bowling!
Tiny balls rock.