......finding a new home for lutefisk lovers.

(ok we don't love it. or even like it. but we're supposed to.)

02 September 2011


A few weeks ago, Mike went out of town for work. On a weekend. A SUMMER weekend.

For most, this would be sad and lonely. But I'm like "Yay! Let's make a list of all the places Mike doesn't want to go and go there!" My google fingers started googling google fast and I went about planning a Weekend in New England for me and my traveling companion, my partner in crime, my backseat booster friend.

I started referring to this adventure as Motherboy, after the creepy/dysfunctional/borderline inappropriate mother-son event attended by Lucille and Buster on Arrested Development (a show that needs to be watched in its entirety - all 53 episodes - by everyone on the planet).

Motherboy is a costumed dinner dance intended to promote mother-son bonding. Lucille has gone with Buster over 25 times, but for Motherboy XXX (aka Motherboy 30) Lucille ditches Buster - he had recently lost his hand in an altercation with a seal and she feared that it could hurt their chances of winning "Cutest Couple."

For Motherboy: New England Edition, we drove to the Spruce Point Inn, a century-old resort on Boothbay Harbor in Maine. I booked the Captain's Quarters, thinking this fancy name must indicate some elevated style of accommodation. Because the captain is important, right? In every maritime- themed Monkees episode I ever saw, the captain had a groovy pad. And a parrot. But in this case, it just looked like a century-old resort in Maine that was remodeled by your grandma in 1969. Nonetheless, it was clean and spacious and had a balcony overlooking the bay - that alone was worth the price of admission. Liam loved it like the Four Seasons and ran around saying "Look at this, we have a notepad and a pen!" Or "Look at this, there's a Bible!" And my favorite, "Hey! We have our very own restroom!" I think he said this because it actually looked like a public restroom. All it needed was a urinal and some sani-seats and we could be at Target. But maybe it was a theme bathroom! Like the Fanta-Suites Hotel where you can get a sci-fi suite or a Planet of the Apes suite! This was the Public Restroom Suite.

Shortly after we arrive, Liam goes to the Kid's Camp (can I get a what!what! for kid's camp!! white girl raise the roof!) where the highlight was visiting the hotel restaurant and helping oneself to the soda taps behind the bar. From this experience he catches a glimpse of grown-up finery. He feels suave and debonair. We will re-visit this in a moment........

The highlight for me was a lovely lady called The Bright Line.

The Bright Line is a beautiful cruiser driven by Matthew McConaughey (tan and smooth and long and lean and blonde and scruffy with a slow, sly smile that never really goes away. He had me at "would you like a life jacket?" Why yes, yes I would. Because I only get sexier when I add bulk. And safety turns me on. (seriously, I'm really into safety. ))

Matthew and The Bright Line take us from Spruce Point, across the bay to "town." It's a solid way to travel. Because this is your view as you make your way to the shops, restaurants, and art galleries and, presumably, anything else you may need. What if I could get to the grocery store and Rite Aide like this? I could spend my whole life doing errands.......

I feel like little Sal and baby sister Jane taking the boat to town to get ice cream and a spark plug.

When dinner time comes, I'm HIGHLY in favor of taking the boat across the bay to one of the restaurants in town. But Liam shakes his head no, looks a little worried and disappointed. What?! Why wouldn't you want to take a boat to dinner? He's read One Morning in Maine as many times as I have.......doesn't he share my fantasy (I'm talking about the boat here)? "Why not?" I ask. He looks over his shoulder and whispers, "I'll tell you in the room."

Back in the room, away from snoopy grown-ups, he shyly admits that he had wanted to take me out to dinner in the hotel bar. The bar where he had mastered the art of pouring his own drink and discovered a sense of swagger. And though it veered a little close to the concept of the real Motherboy, the reality is that he's too little to have a best gal other than me. And I thought "Oh you lucky woman of the future!!"

So he escorted me downstairs and we took our places at the bar and ordered drinks........a Shirley Temple for him and a Shirley Temple Black for me (my own invention, just add vodka). The bartender is game and she plays to Liam, chatting him up like a real paying customer. She asks the age-old bartender question.......

"So, where are you folks from?"

And we both answer, "Minnesota." ?????? Again, I guess when you cross the border out of New Hampshire, you relinquish your residency and revert to your last known permanent address.

"Did you know," the bartender says, "that the biggest mall in the world is in Minnesota?"

Yes, I think I heard that.

"It's so big that there's actually an amusement park inside it."

I wonder if she missed the part about us being FROM there. You know, when she asked "where are you from?" and we answered "Minnesota," that could be a little vague, I guess. Liam stares at her paralyzed, wearing a neutral face but seeming to search for an appropriate response. He's socially aware enough to know that he shouldn't point out her ignorance but not sophisticated enough to know how to field the question.

But I give her a nice tip because she's friendly and she was there when the Shirley Temple Black was invented.

After dinner, we put on our resort-issued bathrobes and lounge by the pool under the stars. We both see Matthew down at the dock putting The Bright Line to bed, scrubbing her up and tucking her in. When he walks up the dock, Liam pops up in his robe and, a little too eagerly, he says "Hi Sean!" (who's Sean? oh - I guess he has a real name).

He sees us enjoying the evening in our robes and says "I like your style." You can hear it, can't you? A little Dazed and Confused, a little Failure to Launch. "Did you see that sunset?" he says. "I was talking on the phone and I actually said to the guy "hold on, I have to watch something" and I put my phone down."

Dude, you're killing me.

Then he makes a sheepish exit and calls over his shoulder, "I like your style."

I'm not making this up.

Liam watches him walking away and says "He's a really nice guy."

"Yes, he is."

"We should get his phone number."

"What would we do with his phone number?"

"We could call him. And go do something. Together."

Baby's first bromance. First he's my date, and now he's my girlfriend. Perhaps we should go back to our room and call it a night.

Where we'll read Tiger Beat magazine and fight over the posters.


akp said...

another amazeballs post!

Joel B said...

This may be your best post ever. Seriously awesome. Joel.

Mia Byrd Collins said...

This is beyond hilar