After 2 months on the market, countless showings, one offer, one round of negotiations, one grueling inspection resembling the real estate version of the end times, another round of negotiations with fearful end times buyer, a final agreement with sedated end times buyer, then a LOST agreement after end times buyer loses job, then another round of rapid-fire showings, and one big ass stress-induced canker sore, I'm feeling the need for a little extra help.
So I google "Meditation on selling a home," thinking there has to be something out there intended to help sellers simultaneously chill out and create some kind of home-selling juju. Just like we used the giant sage doobie to de-stinkify our new house and attract happy energy, I was sure the Native Americans must have a similar ritual for selling teepees.
Well.....they don't. But guess who does? The Catholics!
My google search turned up page after page of hits for "Selling Your Home Using a St. Joseph Statue."
Note: I have an innately low propensity for religiosity. I am very anti-ancient-white-guys-making-up-seemingly-arbitrary-rules-for-their-own-gain. I think the Pope is just a guy in a fancy hat. In my 5th grade communion class, I remember looking each kid in the face and thinking "Are you falling for this?" So you wouldn't think that I would follow a link for St. anything. But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? A mouth completely free of canker sores?
Plus, despite my innately low propensity for religiosity, St. Joseph has always been my man because my birthday just happens to fall on March 19th. Also known as St. Joseph's Day! It's true. I'm sure you've never noticed this, but if you go to your calendar right now and flip to March 19, it will most likely say "St. Joseph's Day." You've just never noticed because it's not your birthday so you don't spend countless hours looking for March 19th on calendars. Like I do.
So I take this as a sign and I stuff my innately low propensity for religiosity in a sack and I clicka onda link (as my foreign-born grad school TA used to say). And here's what I found out:
St. Joseph is the patron saint of home selling because he was a CARPENTER and he built many HOMES one of which contained our lord and savior JESUS CHRIST. He was a stand up guy who married his girlfriend even when she was knocked up and he wasn't the babydaddy. He created a happy HOME with them. God gave Joseph mad props for this because he had to have a great deal of FAITH in order to not scream "THIS IS WHACKED! I'M OUTIE!"
And he can help you SELL your happy home by following these directions:
1. Obtain tiny plastic Joseph at your neighborhood God store.
2. Make a hole in the ground that's large enough to bury tiny plastic Joseph vertically (it says "in protective wrap" but I don't think he actually feels anything. Plus, then he couldn't breathe).
3. Place tiny plastic Joseph upside down in the ground.
4. Face the upside down Joseph towards the home to be sold.
5. For 9 consecutive days, pray the St. Joseph Novena.
6. Once the home is sold, remove tiny plastic Joseph from the ground.
7. Display tiny plastic Joseph in a place of honor in your new home.
It sounds crazy but so does putting plastic fruit in the fridge because it doesn't match the color of the real fruit in the fruit bowl display. Or putting piles of clean laundry back in the dryer. So I think we're all on the same page.
I seem to remember that there's a God store in the strip mall next to Wholly Scrap. Something with HIM or HIS in the title - in all caps. Like you're shouting. I walk in and try to look cool. Like I shop for this shit everyday. I know what I'm doing. This is not weird at all.
I feel like I'm shopping for condoms and I have to browse around a little to make it look like I'm a well-rounded shopper who also just happens to need condoms. If you buy the condoms without browsing it looks like a condom emergency; like you're going to use the condoms in the parking lot. So I pretend to look at stuff, most of it so ugly if makes me cry. And some of it is scary. Like clown scary. Like if you put that picture of that angel in your kid's room, they will surely have nightmares and turn to Satan.
I can't find a St. Joseph statue but I can't leave without buying something or they'll think I'm in here on a dare. Or that I don't like Jesus. So I pick up some TestaMINTS and a guitar pick that says "Pick Jesus" - I put it down on the counter and then I casually, oh so casually say, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot.....um, you don't happen to have a tiny plastic statue of St. Joseph do you?" (not for crazy shit. Just so I can, you know, pray.....and stuff).
"Do you mean for burying?"
Oh. So this is a thing? Yeah, this is so much of a thing that you can buy tiny plastic Joseph in special home-selling packaging. Like this:
Faith can move mountains........and homes! Sign me up! Apparently, St. Joseph statues outsell Mary statues by 5 to 1!
So.........did I do it?
Yes. Yes, I did. St. Joseph is buried upside down in my front yard as we speak. I'm on day 6. Do not mock me. For yay unto the Lord goeth all that is...........okay, I'm not going to pull that off. Just go with me on this.